


Anatomical Eroticism

by dangerousbeans (flyingrat42)



Category: Watchmen - All Media Types
Genre: Adrian is a giant history nerd, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Movie Night, Overthinking, so am I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 09:19:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5621857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingrat42/pseuds/dangerousbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's no excuse for some artistic choices, but Adrian can sure try.  </p><p>(From a Watchmen kinkmeme prompt whose exact wording I can't remember: it was either "somebody reacts to <i>Batman and Robin</i>" or "somebody reacts to the bat-nipple suit in <i>Batman and Robin</i>".  Adrian was the only logical choice, and I make no apologies for the result.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anatomical Eroticism

As the credits rolled, the three off-duty superheroes settled back onto Dan Dreiberg's sofa, exhaling in unison. 

"Well, that was excruciating. Sorry, guys, I guess I picked a dud this time." 

"Indeed, Daniel. Cinematic abortion. Batman is a noble avenger, not a bumbling lovestruck fool." Rorschach's inkblots swirled faster. "Not to mention, overt homosexual overtones. Embodies all that is wrong with filthy liberal influence in Hollywood. _Hnnk._ Should round up and destroy all copies." 

"...You know, for once I'm not sure I disagree with you, Ror, but it might be difficult, even with your level of focus. DVDs are really cheap to mass-produce, after all." Dan closed his eyes and pressed the cold beer bottle to his forehead. "But...yeah. The nipple suit. _God._ What were they thinking?" 

"Actually, I thought that was a brilliant move on the part of the costuming team." A third, speculative voice spoke up from the far end of the couch. 

Both Nite Owl and Rorschach pivoted, slow motion, to peer at Ozymandias.

"Heh, good one...wait. Adrian, you're _serious_? Come _on_." 

"It makes valid psychological sense," Adrian protested, rolling his own expensive imported microbrew between his hands. "The idealization of the human form is one of the oldest and most pervasive elements in art, after all: you've only to look at the Venus of Hohle Fels to see that our Upper Paleolithic ancestors weren't so different from our own society in a certain regard. But that's the female equivalent; to stay closer to the subject, consider the resemblance between Batman's suit and an Archaic Greek _kouros_ , or the way a Classical sculptor would have depicted a deity, or hero, or Olympian athlete. Physical perfection not only hints at reproductive fitness, in an instinctual sense, but has long been equated with godliness: the superior being descended to earth. And that same perfect human form, as idealized by the ancients, still figures centrally in our collective unconscious today - any Calvin Klein ad can tell you as much." His eyebrows quirked. 

Behind Dan's back, Rorschach was making some remarkably strangled noises, but Dan was too hypnotized by the ongoing trainwreck to look away. Adrian, warming to his subject, set his beer bottle down on the end table (making sure to use the coaster, which a corner of Dan's distracted brain noted with appreciation) and leaned forward, gesturing expansively with both hands. 

"...And in our culture, what are superheroes but our modern-day Olympians, or demigods? Saviors, come down from heaven - or the planet Krypton, as the case may be - or arisen from among us. Heroes who seek to perfect themselves, in order to perfect society as a whole. It's true that they occasionally fall down on the job, or exhibit flaws...that's the tragic mythos at work, which is an equally powerful and pervasive force, but I digress." He waved a hand dismissively. "Anyway, given the resonance, the adaptation of the nude male torso in this situation simply makes overt the homage that our superhero archetype owes to its ancient antecedents. A brilliant piece of work, even if it was an unconscious choice on the filmmakers' part. That said, I do agree that certain...aspects of Clooney's suit approximated the Hellenistic ideal, as it were, more than the Classical; regrettably rococo, but amusing nonetheless." He smiled, in cat-that-ate-the-canary fashion. 

Dan realized that his mouth was hanging open, and closed it abruptly. 

"Sex sells, as they say." Adrian shrugged, then settled back and picked up his beer. 

"...Good God." Dan rubbed the back of his neck. "As disturbing as it is, that actually made one hell of a lot of sense." 

" ** _Ehnnnnk._** " The sound was even more drawn-out and harsh than usual. Uh-oh; Dan whipped his head around. " _Veidt._ " It came out like a curse. "No words. Cannot _think_. Need sugar. And caffeine." Rorschach pushed himself to his feet, and stalked towards the kitchen, back rigid in outrage, to get himself another Coca-Cola (the green-bottled version, of course). 

"Rorschach?" Adrian's tone was bright, helpful. "As long as you're up, could you fetch me another drink, please?" 

Dan sighed, and buried his head in his hands.

**Author's Note:**

> Turns out as per TV Tropes Joel Schumacher did use the ancient Greek statue justification for the Bat-nipples in this abomination of a movie. The "anatomically erotic" quote was his. 
> 
> There is not enough beer in the world.


End file.
